During my childhood years, there was an emphasis on the importance of school as well as sports. Around the age of 5 years old, I had a traumatic injury in which I ruptured the artery in my forehead and nearly bled to death in my parents living room. As the years progressed, I became extremely athletic and joined a travel soccer team. I also was very active at school and played on the varsity basketball, tennis and soccer team.
School had always come easily for me and I excelled through middle and high school with minimal effort. At this point, the emphasis became exclusively on sports and competing to be the best. I had a strong internal motivation to win and to compete at the highest level.
I traveled around the world playing soccer, traveling to countries such as Argentina and Spain. In addition, I played 2nd singles for my high school tennis team as an eighth grader.
Toward my junior and senior year of high school, I developed feelings of anxiety surrounding my performance in sporting events. The anxiety grew more intense as I also became fearful in regard to my future and what I wanted to do. I was nervous about transitioning to college and even more fearful surrounding whether I would be able to achieve the same level of professional success as my parents had.
Due to a lack of awareness in regard to healthy ways to cope and manage this anxiety, I began to smoke marijuana and drink heavily. The first time I drank or smoked I became aware that these feelings of fear and anxiety seemed to melt away. The first time I drank, I stole liquor from a friends parents bar, blacked out and was later picked up by my parents.
The second time I drank on my way into the city to go out, I blacked out in the car on the way in, got naked and ran through the streets of New York. I later woke up in a hospital bed. One of the first few times I smoked pot, I decided to steal my fathers Porsche and ended up crashing it through the front door of a local home. Not soon after I was caught by the local police for smoking marijuana in my car and later let go.
Despite these numerous dangerous and reckless behaviors, I never received any consequences for my actions and was always got away with it. As I transitioned into college, the drinking and drug use became more persistent and I began to use higher quantities.
During my freshmen year, these feelings of anxiety would subside while I was high but would come back more intense then I had ever experienced. As a result, I felt that I needed more medication in order to handle these feelings.
Soon after I was introduced to Xanax, which quickly became the go-to remedy for all of my ailments. I also discovered that if I drank on Xanax, all of my fears disappeared and I developed a newfound sense of confidence. I was able to talk to any woman at the bar with complete confidence. Despite having a long distance girlfriend, I began to experiment with other intimate relationships. This seemed to boost my self-confidence and self-esteem.
At this time, I joined a fraternity in which the culture surrounded excessive partying, drinking and drugs. I managed to end the semester with relatively good grades but was still fearful and confused in regard to what I wanted to specialize in and where I saw my future. At this point in time, I became confident that I could medically self- manage my symptoms of anxiety and I consumed Xanax and got drunk on a daily basis. During this time, I had also managed to persuade my primary care physician to prescribe me Adderal in order to give me a competitive edge amongst other students.
My days consisted of high doses of Adderal and long hours in the library. Each night consisted of large quantities of Xanax, Alcohol and Adderal for energy. Once I obtained the prescriptions for Adderal, I was able to excel in school and would later graduate with straight A’s.
However, toward the end of junior and senior year, I became aware that while I could manage my anxiety with medication, my actions where not in alignment with my values. I became overwhelmed and felt entirely lost. At this point, I was still confused over what exactly I wanted to do with my future and felt pressured from my father to go to medical school. I took several of the pre-reqs for medical school but it was too late to finish all of the classes prior to graduation.
As a result, I graduated with a degree in environmental science and planned to do a baccalaureate for medical school. However, I was desperately seeking to find what brought me a sense of purpose and meaning and I felt like my life trajectory was entirely out of my own control.
Since I would black out every evening, I also found myself frequently waking up with no recollection of where I was or who the woman next to me was. At the time, I took pride in this behavior and saw it as “cool”. I would frequently return home to brag amongst my friends. During my senior year, I was pulled over for speeding on a trip to Wisconsin and was both high and in the possession of a myriad of narcotics. To my amazement, the police let us go.
At this point, I began to realize that I was putting my life and my future in serious jeopardy. However, I had also developed such a dependence on the drugs and I was unable to stop using. I became so afraid toward the end of college that I made an absolute fool of myself amongst my entire family during graduation weekend.
With my entire family including my grandparents, in town to see my graduation, I decided to leave the ceremony and ran to the local liquor store. I bought a handle of gin and took a high dose of Xanax and Adderal during the ceremony. I stood up in the middle of the ceremony with half of my clothes still on and started yelling out curse words. I later returned to my house and my parents and family were distraught and pleaded that I go to bed.
At that time, I recall feeling overwhelmed with joy and happiness that I had graduated and had done very well. However, in hindsight, I recall feelings extremely disappointed in my actions and was confused as to why I was unable to drink in moderation like my friends.
After graduation, I managed a solar energy company for a few years. I continued to use drugs and my use continued to become more frequent and involved higher dosages. It was at this point that I was introduced to Oxycodone, which I quickly became dependent on.
Once I started using Oxycodone, I began showing up to work late, taking two hours lunches, or not showing up at all in order to pick up Oxycodone. My use continued to become more frequent and I was soon spending thousands of dollars a week on drugs. I became physically addicted to this medication and would begin to detox within a few hours if I ran out.
I began to steal money from friends and family and took out tens of thousands of dollars in loans. During this time, I had a high-paying job, a girlfriend, an apartment in NYC and everyone was extremely proud of me.
However, no one was aware of my excessive drug and alcohol use since I was highly functional based on my ability to maintain work and relationships. My girlfriend at the time would soon catch me in the bathroom snorting Oxycodone and promised that she would not inform my parents. At that point, I knew that I was in too far and became concerned that I had lost complete control.
I decided to see a medical doctor who prescribed me Suboxone and I desperately attempted to get clean by tapering down. However, as soon as that anxiety re-surfaced, I found myself making haste to pick up more drugs. My girlfriend became increasingly suspicious due to the quantity of time that I would spend in the bathroom and walked in on me taking more Oxycodone.
On our way back one day from the Hampton's, she told me that she was informing my parents when we returned home. I angrily expressed that I would kill her if she said anything and informed her that we could figure this out ourselves. Nonetheless, as soon as we returned home I saw her walk into my parents room to disclose that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol.
When she walked out, I took her to the train and my parents stated that they wanted to talk upon my return. I became extremely angry, fearful and anxious. As a result, I dropped her off and went to get more drugs, the only way I knew how to handle my anxiety. Upon returning home to speak with my parents, they expressed that they were utterly shocked and yet, they were extremely supportive. They told me that we would figure this out as a family.
This was a tremendous relief as I had desperately wanted to ask for help for a number of years. However, I was so fearful of shining a light on how much I was truly struggling and letting down my facade. Due to my competitive background and my high functioning history, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I was weak or that something was inherently wrong with me.
At this point, we decided that I would attend an inpatient treatment center for 30-days. After 12 days in detox and numerous sleepless nights, I called my parents and convinced them that I was cured. At this point, they were unaware of the severity of my addiction and un-educated in regard to the underlying causes of addiction. As a result, they willingly picked me up after 12 days of treatment.
I began to attend an outpatient facility in NYC and stayed sober for roughly 2-months. However, at this point I was jobless, fearful surrounding my future, and still unable to cope with healthy soothing outlets.
I also did not believe that I had a problem with alcohol. I decided to visit a German beer garden one afternoon and told myself that I would only have two beers. However, eight beers later I found myself in a cab heading to pick up Oxycodone and Xanax. Since I had been planning ways to get around the drug testing at the outpatient facility, I decided to freeze several liters of my urine prior to getting high.
For several months, I continued to attend outpatient treatment and continued to pass my urine screenings. However, as things progressed, I stopped attending the outpatient treatment center and my parents were unaware as I refused to sign a disclosure form.
At this point, the severity and frequency of my drug use became progressively worse and I spent several nights pacing around my room in circles for fear that if I went to bed I would not wake up. During this time, I received a great job for a commercial real estate firm in NYC. I remember feeling pleased but extremely anxious surrounding my performance. As a result, I needed a lot of medication in order to be efficient and comfortable around the workplace.
After several months, I would frequently come into work late and leave for long lunch breaks in order to pick up drugs. Despite my boss telling me that it was unacceptable, I continued to come in late and would later be fired from my first job. I recall walking out of the office and feeling entirely lost.
I began to tell myself that I was a complete failure and that there was something inherently wrong with me. I crafted my own version of the story and told my friends and family that I choose to leave the job due to an unhealthy work environment.
At this point, I took out another loan in order to sustain my drug addiction and to pay my rent. I was able to sustain my way of life for a few more months and occasionally used heroin due to the lower cost.
I would later take a vacation to Mexico with my girlfriend and her entire extended family. I brought what I believed was enough drugs for the 10-day vacation. However, after landing in Mexico and realizing that I had used all of the drugs on the plane, I became hyper-aware that my use had become entirely unmanageable.
I would spend the next 10 days throwing up, shaking, sweating and unable to sleep or eat. I told my girlfriends family that I had drank some of the water in Mexico and had likely contracted something. They put me on antibiotics, however, after 5 days on the antibiotics they became suspicious as to why I wasn't getting better. I became extremely angry and frequently yelled at my girlfriend over the break and spent the entirety of the vacation fighting and sick.
I desperately wanted help and considered asking my girlfriends parents to help me or to take me to the local pharmacy to get me Xanax. Upon returning home 10-days later still extremely sick, I dropped my girlfriend off, stole money from my father, and went to get more drugs. I later drove my car home and had a complete meltdown in front of my parents.
At this point, it was physically apparent that I was using drugs as I had scratches all over my body. My parents told me that I could spend a few weeks at home to clean my act up. They took my keys, wallet and phone away. However, I was so fearful of experiencing another detox that I figured out a way to obtain drugs.
I would sneak down every night around 4:00 am, use my fathers phone to contact my drug dealer and stole money from their safe. As a result, for 5-days I got picked up from an Uber every night at 4:00 am and continued to get high. On the 5th day, my mother found the key to their safe in my pocket and gave me an ultimatum. She said I could either go live on the street or I could go to a wilderness therapy program in Utah.
At this point, I was mentally, physically, and emotionally broken and willing to try something different. That same day, I boarded a plane with nothing but a boarding pass and a bottle of water. Upon entering treatment for the second time, I was doubtful that anything could help me.
For the first 3-weeks, every evening I plotted my escape and how I could get back home. I refused to write or speak to my parents as I was overwhelmed with shame and felt as though our relationship could not be mended. I debated running away and starting a life on my own in Mexico.
Three weeks into the program, I began to respect my therapist and aspired to have a life similar to his. I became flooded with emotions while sharing my story with others clients at the program and I began to develop meaningful relationships with others. As I was planning my escape one evening with another client, I had a moment of awareness in which I became fully aware that I needed to see this through.
I was so focused on when I would return home that I was unable to do the work. Upon letting go and accepting that I needed to fully commit myself, everything began to change. I no longer counted days until I could return home and I began to gain my mental and physical strength back. I started helping out other clients and had one extremely powerful experience with a client named Nick. After this experience, I became overwhelmed with a feeling of purpose and meaning which I had yet to experience in my life.
The experience with Nick was so powerful that I dedicated my life to helping others who were struggling with some form of mental illness. At this point, my focus became on working to regulate and manage my emotions. I began to express my feelings amongst other group members and shared more personal emotionally charged topics with others. As a result, I began to exercise greater control and awareness over my emotions. I would later go on to attend a sober living home in California and spent another 5-months working on myself.
Upon returning home 9-months later, I lived with my parents for 8-months and continued to work on mending our relationship. I became active in the A.A community, sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others and was overcome with a recognition of my true self.
I developed healthy coping outlets such as running, the gym, sports and a mindfulness practice. In addition, I continued to work on my spiritual practice and would pray every morning. It was at this point in time where I was able to effectively manage and keep my anxiety in check. This was the first time in my life where I finally felt in control of my future and I was eager to jump into the field of mental health.
As a result, I obtained my certification as a recovery coach and began managing a sober living facility in New York. Soon after, I was accepted in the Mental Health and Wellness masters program at NYU and began to pursue my licensure as a therapist.
Around this time, I also began working with the wilderness therapy program in Utah which I attended in order to raise awareness on the east coast. Today, I am working to obtain my licensure and aspire to work with a treatment center in New York specializing with individuals experiencing substance use disorders.
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